GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
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*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.