My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
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*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Boy never ceases to amaze me
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.