In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
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grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.