Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
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Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.