I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
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The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea