I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
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One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.