[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
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I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
All set.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.