Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
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If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
He wanted to make sure😂
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.