*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
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Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Meow
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too