If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
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Meow
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
✌️
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Me trying to reach for my goals
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Good point.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.