Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
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At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*