If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
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God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
i hope my email finds you on fire
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.