Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
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I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
who wants to go expliring
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Nose
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …