I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
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Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
real
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?