friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”