I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
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If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
My blood type is coffee.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”