To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
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me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.