Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
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Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.