My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
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you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
why I oughta
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible