So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
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Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats