Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
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Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
This hospital has everything
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.