Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
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If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
You sure about that?