genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
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break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Last-minute gift idea!
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.