My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
You Might Also Like
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
mumsnet is amazing
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
my first day as a raccoon
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.