Cheers Twitter.
You Might Also Like
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
She: I like Cats
He:
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.