me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
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I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
accurate
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?