Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
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cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins