Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
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You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.