My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
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Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
best review i’ve ever seen
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.