Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
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Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
not for long
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.