Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
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My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I don’t get marriage
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens