If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
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[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no