i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
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If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
The little toadstool has spoken.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
❤️🦆
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*