Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
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People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Good morning!
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.