[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
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A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead