If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
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I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.