FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
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The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.