Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
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Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?