ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
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I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport