a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
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My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not