My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
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Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
so, is there a mister shapen head
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
a lot to unpack here
Only a mother’s love …
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work