[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
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Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question