Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
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Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
I did not eat the cake…
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even