Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
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Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?