My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
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The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Me recordaron éste meme
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.