Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
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Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.