If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
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Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Rt to bother an English speaker
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*