Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
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If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*