If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
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I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
How to draw a duck
prepare for carbonated trouble
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.