You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
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WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
this is 10/10 content no notes
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time